I have no idea why I'm not gay, because if I was I could be chillin on the couch while Miranda Kerr prances around in her bra and panties and throws her legs on me backstage at the 2009 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. I could probably get away with it for a while, but it might get a little awkward when I turn into Multiple Miggs at some point.
It's hard to imagine that a movie about a emo vampire and a werewolf fighting over the heart of some ugly chick wouldn't be hailed and praised as one of the greatest movies of all time, so it's no surprise that critics are singular in their praise of New Moon.
Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert says "the characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud."
Ty Burr of The Boston Globe remarks: "Sorry, girls: The thrill is gone." He says that "where the first film’s director, Catherine Hardwicke, plugged into [author Stephenie] Meyer’s vision of supernatural teenage lust with abandon, Chris Weitz is stuck with a sequel that’s a morning-after mope-fest. "When he's onscreen, Pattinson’s Edward is all emo posturing under a trembling bouffant - the actor suddenly seems to be embarrassed to be here," says Burr. "Lautner's performance, by contrast, has the warmth of an actual human."
But Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says Lautner and Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) have no heat: "The connection between these two is so self-evidently non-romantic that it turns out not to be much of a diversion."
USA Today's Claudia Puig agrees, saying the the Bella-Edward romance is a bore and that "the pace picks up" once Jacob and his pals turn into werewolves. She gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars.
Variety writes that ladies hoping to gaze at Pattinson the big screen " may be disappointed by Pattinson's reduced presence" in the sequel, "as his Edward appears predominantly in mumbling visions until a cliffhanger that brazenly sets up the next episode."
Whatever. This movie will make more than Noriega because of tween cutters and 30-year old chicks with undead fetishes, so no amount to critical backlash will stop that. This movie could be called Madea Goes To Registered Sex Offender Class and as long as Robert Pattinson has a scene where he pouts and cries, the producers will need dragons and Hannibal's elephants to carry all the money this crap is gonna make.
Director Roman Polanski is still sitting in a Switzerland jail awaiting extradition to the United States for drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl in 1977. But apparently his wife and two kids are "very upset psychologically" about being separated from such a wonderful man. MSNBC reports:
Polanski has proposed "very significant" bail money, house arrest and other assurances to find freedom, Herve Temime told the daily Le Figaro. His 76-year-old client "will not accept extradition to the United States," he said. U.S. authorities want Polanski to face justice in Los Angeles for having sex with a 13-year-old 32 years ago. A Swiss court official said this week that a bail decision was expected in 2 to 3 weeks. Polanski, who was arrested Sept. 26 as he arrived in Zurich to collect a film award, is "very courageous" and "I have never heard him complain," Temime said. However, his wife, Emmanuelle Seigner, an actress and singer, and his two children are "very upset psychologically by this separation that is a true heartbreak" for them, he said.
I'm going to go out a limb her and say that being drugged and raped in the ass then having to sit on a donut pillow at the premiere of Star Wars might make you "very upset psychologically" a little more than daddy not being home because he's captured fugitive. If Polanski was a man and accepted the fact that he was convicted and served his time, his wife and kids wouldn't be suffering right now. Instead he chose to run like a little girl being chased by a bee to France. Since he was convicted, there is no statute of limitations, and more importantly, I have zero sympathy for this man. If the definition of "extradition back to the United States" suddenly changed to "being ripped apart by a fisherman with a hook for a hand", I would see if my buddy Joe could get me a discount on that dictionary at Barnes & Noble.
Since #2 doesn't realize the why the real victim "doesn't care" and why we should spend tax dollars on something that happened "30 years ago", I'll just post this video again. Hope it clears it up for you.
The Kardashian sisters put tape over their mouths and got airbrushed by alien technology for the pro-gay marriage NOH8 (No Hate - see what they did there??) campaign. They'll be lauded as heroes in the gay community for this but in reality they sat in a hair and makeup chair for two hours, posed for a couple of pictures, then went back to penguin embryo facials and not caring if Greg and Steve can legally get married. And who really cares if they do? If a man wants to marry another man and that makes them happy, I say go for it. That means more vagina for me. And if I can be honest, "more vagina for me" is pretty much my answer for everything.
No Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is complete without Marisa Miller, and although the Asian I stole looks hotter in Agent Provocateur and La Perla, I'm really not complaining when Marisa Miller stuffs her huge tits in something your girlfriend can buy at the mall. I swear, either God is still getting high-fives or Marisa Miller's body was created in some kind of erection study lab. I'm not sure about the science behind that, and I would have asked Chastity Bono, but erections don't seem to be her thing.
I wondered why I woke up to the sun winking at me and bluebirds pulling my back sheets as a glowing unicorn fetched my slippers and led me to my laptop this morning, but then I quickly realized it's because pictures from the 2009 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show hit online while I was sleeping. Those guys are such perverts!
It was reported that Amy Winehouse was rushed to the hospital for a cold the other day, but dear Christ that's not what happened. 3am reports:
Mitch Winehouse has rubbished claims that his daughter Amy went to hospital the other day for a cold - revealing it was due to her new boobs going pop. Telegraphing the news on his Living TV show, Mitch said: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little (pointing to his chest) leaky something or other." A friend of Amy's adds: "She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible."
This would normally be the part where I make fun of Amy Winehouse, but she'll be dead soon, so considering the comments in the Chastity Bono post, there's something I want to get off my chest. This is going to be hard, but so be it. I have to be honest with myself. As a child, I always played with Thundercats. My friends in school played with Thundercats, I related to Thundercats. I had a Thundercats lunchbox and a Lion-O claw. If a game broke out [with] Transformers against the Thundercats, I was always with the Thundercats. Being a feline superhero from another galaxy isn't between your legs, but between your ears. I feel like I have lied to myself for far too long. It's just a long process of being comfortable enough to do something about it. I realize people may not accept me as a Thundercat and I am fully prepared to deal with people's ignorance and hate. But I will not let it stop me from being my true self. I have my family and the Sword of Omens. It gives me sight beyond sight!!
