Britney Spears' tits and tour in Australia are both unmitigated disasters, but that didn't seem to stop her from putting on a bikini in Melbourne yesterday. Why? Who knows. One might guess that Britney Spears is completely removed from reality and thinks she still looks like she did in 1998. Here's a hint: she doesn't. I'm not sure how a methfreak, dumpy single mother of two with tits that look like they just get hit my darts translates into "sexy", but maybe she should reconsider wearing crap like this. I swear, the only way I would get my penis near this is if I had a book of spells.

Apparently, Britney Spears' people didn't relay my message , because she was out in Perth yesterday without a bra. Again. Aren't we allowed to stone her at this point? Nobody needs to see this. Either put on a bra or put on some barrel suspenders you fuckin hillbilly. I don't care which. If not, at least help out your left nipple. It seems like it just dropped a quarter or is looking around for his keys.

Obama really needs to fund a study on why Britney Spears refuses to wear a fucking bra. Especially since her tits look like balloons five days after a party. They look like something on the breakfast menu at Denny's. I seriously don't know if I'm supposed to masturbate or ask for a side of cheese grits.

Britney Spears only wears gator wrasslin' and pig pickin' jamboree outfits or bikinis, and since I assume Mexicans don't have pig pickins because they're too busy with hanging sheetrock or pulling weeds out of my courtyard or whatever, here she is in a bikini in Mexico. Whatever. She basically looks like any other almost 30 mom with cankles in a bikini trying to relive her past with the first guy who will take her. Sounds exciting!

Fresh off her Circus tour, Britney Spears went shopping at Target yesterday, because that's what millionaires with impeccable style do to wind down. Later in the day she ran moonshine with Boss Hog, wrestled a crocodile, and put hardwood floors in her doublewide. Or, you know, whatever the hell it is inbred hillbillies do.

Note: I shop at Super Target, so please don't confuse me with this redneck. Super Target is much more refined and classy. Much like my anal sex jokes.

Britney Spears just wrapped up her Circus tour and unwrapped a burrito yesterday, but she sent over her new single, 3, to Ryan Seacrest at LA's Z100 this morning. You can listen to it HERE if you want, but realize I'm gonna make fun of you then possibly make your sister do reverse cowgirl for beer money.

Pictures of hot Britney taken from the Smithsonian archives, because well, I can't let this post be a total waste:

Exactly 11 months after a judge ruled that Britney Spears was too much of a retard at life to carry on anymore (then said the same thing six months later), because she was a raving lunatic who didn't want her kids and made life decisions like a five-year old, TMZ got their hands on Britney's American Express charges during that time.

Miss Brit spent a grand total of $5,183.13 at restaurants. Our Britney people tell us the figure is relatively low -- for her -- because daddy Jamie is a cook and did his thing at her house most nights.

As for other expenses on the AmEx card:

Entertainment: $482.15
Furniture: $17,370.29
Charities: $974.75 (remember, this is just her credit card -- we're told more was donated).
Merchandise, clothing, supplies and groceries: $62,252.11
Transportation/Auto: $18,959.82
Travel: $10,096.53
Communications: $2,150.41

This actually seems pretty tame, because $5,183.13 is probably less than my bar tab since June, but I'm not sure about the $62, 252.11 in clothing, though. I don't know, I can't seem to shake the feeling that the swap meet might be taking advantage of Britney.

Since her relationship with her agent is basically over, Britney Spears is on the prowl for new meat. No, not the kind that's flame-broiled her way. NYDN reports:

We're told that the last time Brit wanted some male delivered, she picked up some modeling agency catalogues and started flipping through the pictures. According to our sources, she took a liking to one strapping Ford man named Bekim Trenova. Using back channels, Spears' minions are said to have invited the 24-year-old hunk to "audition" for a music video in L.A. "When he got there, there was no camera crew," contends a source. "There was just Britney. She was looking sexy. She made it pretty clear that she was less interested in hiring him than in dating him." Trenova had recently broken up with Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. But according to our source, "Bekim found the whole scene very weird. He was polite but not interested. He made some excuse to get out of there." Her rep insists the story is "completely false. She doesn't know this guy." A coy Trenova laughs: "I have no comment."

Man, that Bekim Trenova guy sure has a lot of will power. It's not everyday you get tempted by a mentally unstable overweight single mother of two. It's like he was being tempted by the devil himself!!

CLICK the banner pic to see the rest of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (NSFW)