Michael Lohan has been releasing phone calls like AT&T wireless lately, trying to cash in on his family's drama to whoever will pay him. Good thing he planned it like Dexter, because according to 2005 protective order, he isn't allowed to contact Dina Lohan until 2011. Guess who's on the tapes? TMZ reports:

Michael Lohan could wind up behind bars for his despicable decision to release secret recordings of his family's phone conversations -- because it appears MiLo wasn't legally allowed to be on the calls in the first place...Now, the release of the tapes, one of which was reportedly made in 2008, could be a smoking gun, proving Michael broke the rules of the protective order -- and, if convicted, it could score Michael some quality time in prison. TMZ has learned attorneys for Dina Lohan have already contacted the Nassau County District Attorney in connection with the audio tapes. Unfortunately for Lindsay -- who was granted a one-year protective order against Michael back in 2004 -- there are no laws against being an insensitive, fame-hungry, backstabbing father.

Christ, is everybody in this family a complete retard? They should seriously hold a parade or erect a statue for the first Lohan who can order at a drive-thru or figures out what do to at an Easter Egg hunt.

Radar Online, in yet another one of Michael Lohan's released phone calls, has Dina Lohan claiming that Lindsay Lohan was in a secret relationship with Heath Ledger at the time of his death. Mystery solved !!

In a shocking revelation, Dina Lohan drops the bombshell that her daughter Lindsay was secretly dating Heath Ledger when he died and his death devastated her. In the explosive recorded audio tape of a phone conversation between Dina and Michael Lohan, Dina says that Ledger and Lindsay had been dating at the time of his tragic death in January of 2008. "And she was dating Heath when he died," Dina reveals to Michael. "I don't know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok? Dina told Michael about the relationship because she was afraid for Lindsay's life too: "Because when she's drunk or takes an Adderall with it she will do something like Heath Ledger did in a second without thinking." She said that the actor's death was a terrible shock to Lindsay. "That f-f----d her up," Dina says.

I don't know why Dina Lohan didn't just come out with this when Heath died. We could have saved a lot of time with the autopsy. Because obviously when you stick your dick in Lindsay Lohan, you will be haunted and tormented by an evil demon for three days before he drags you to hell. C'mon, you guys read the pamphlets, right?

Lindsay Lohan pulled the condom out of her hair and showed up to Sir Richard Branson and Eve Branson's Rock the Kasbah Gala last night and can't we just go ahead and tag and release her and her tire swing vagina back into the alley? Because we need to document as much as we can before the virus mutates. Can science stop it?! Hurry before it's too late!!

The Whitney Museum of American Art's Gala was held in New York City last night and apparently the caterers made excellent speedball encrusted hor d'oeuvres, because Lindsay Lohan crawled out of the ditch and showed up. Christ, she looks like absolute hell. I hope whoever buys her at the auction in Saudi Arabia she'll be sold at soon knows of a good spa.

Lindsay Lohan went to Paris last week to unveil her new fashion line, as as expected, everybody hated it. Guess what she did next? You'll never believe it! Star reports:

The once-promising actress collapsed during a week-long party, as her vodka, cocaine and prescription pills habits caught up with her. Now as Star reports in its Oct. 26 issue — on newsstands now — her few remaining friends fear it is too late to save her. “She’s a wreck, a mess, a disaster,” one tells Star. “She an obituary waiting to happen.” Despite three trips to rehab and two DUI arrests, all before her 23rd birthday, Linds cannot stop herself from drowning her sorrows. Even the night before her big runway debut with her Emanuel Ungaro clothing line she was up till dawn partying. And once the scathing reviews were in for her line, things got worse. “She was crushed,” says one insider who saw her at a bash thrown by photographer Mario Testino. “Her eyes were red and puffy, and at one point she started shouting and tearing up.” Soon after, Lindsay collapsed on a couch and passed out. “Her friends had to get her out of there before things got any worse.”...One of Lindsay's friends adds, “She’s definitely hit rock bottom. The next level is six feet under.”

I'm not a big advocate of suicide, but if Lindsay Lohan would blow her brains out this could stop being so embarrassing. She's 23 but looks like she's collecting Marlboro Miles for a duffel bag to keep her coke in and she couldn't get a job in Hollywood right now dressing up like a gorilla and holding up a sign about a bonanza of savings and 0% financing in front of a used car dealership. Just go away already. If she somehow found a magic amulet to get into a meeting with a producer, at best, she'd be in a movie with 300 guys in a line behind her and the word "prolapsed" in the IMDB description.

Lindsay Lohan was at a Busta Rhymes show in Paris on Friday and of course she looked like a saggy, freckled, orange mess. At least four of the dudes in this room might want to hit up the clinic when the spots on their dick start growing tentacles, but it's their fault for breaking the police tape to get in her vagina.

In her delusional, coked out mind, Lindsay Lohan truly believes that she's some kind of fashion designer. And she designs leggings. Leggings. That's like an architect designing a circle. So, needless to say, whoever is responsible for this banner picture and the below quote needs to be shot and killed.

Sexy Lindsay Lohan poses seductively on a stripper pole in this shot to promote her line of leggings. The Hollywood starlet goes blonde and shows off plenty of leg in a ripped pair of leggings from her 6126 range, named after Marilyn Monroe's birth date. The label describes itself as "a lifestyle brand of feminine power and grace".

Right. Because nothing says "feminine power and grace" like looking like you're giving blowjobs for ride tickets in the state fair parking lot outside a Whitesnake concert. Christ. All that's missing from this outfit is a jean jacket with tassels and a picture of Richie Sambora as Jesus airbrushed on the back.

If Lindsay was one of the X-Men, her mutant power would be the ability to try to crash parties where she's not invited, so of course she attended the Emmy after-party at the Chateau Marmont. Apparently the Amstel Light wasn't all that great, because when she stumbled out piss drunk at 3:30am, she tossed a can out of her window at the paparazzi who were surrounding her car. At least I think it was paparrazi. There's a good chance it could have been Pedro from South of of the Border asking her if she wanted to buy fireworks, because he said, "Lenzy, do you theenk you are a bad influence on your seester?" I can't say I blame Lindsay. I shot the guy who pumped my gas yesterday. Sorry, buddy. But that didn't sound like "unleaded" to me.