I assume there was a preteen Cambodian boy prancing around his house in pink panties and setting off firecrackers, but I have no idea what queer French dude dressed in a bedazzled Peter Pan costume designed this mess. Madonna looks like Mumra if Mumra was nominated for What Not To Wear. Seriously, zombies could have just eaten my parents and my neighborhood could be under nuclear attack and I could design a dress better than this.

Now permanently relocated in New York after her divorce from her England-based ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, Madonna has been shopping for a house in the Hamptons and recently visited a 100 acre, 12,000-square-foot, Tuscan-style villa at Wolffer Estate Vineyards in Sagaponack. But of course this story wouldn't be complete without the part where Madonna thinks the world revolves her. Page Six reports:

Madonna then presented the estate with a 10-page list of demands, according to our source. Among the stipulations were that "no one could be in the riding ring at the same time she was. It was laughable. They turned her down flat." Since then, Madonna has kept her horses at pal Steven Klein's residence, where photographers snapped her when she fell from her horse three weeks ago.

My seething hatred for this narcissistic bitch and her asteroid sized ego is pretty well documented on this site, so I won't get into how I think this cunt should get dropped into a velociraptor cage. God, I hate her. When I see her face, it's like I'm one of the X-Men and my power is typing on the keyboard really hard. YOU HEAR THAT MADONNA?! I JUST BROKE THE M KEY! WHAT NOW BITCH?!

Madonna was taken to a New York hospital on Saturday where she treated for minor injuries and released after she fell off a horse at the South Hampton home of photographer Steven Klein. In related news, I just got a paper cut. Ouch, ouch! Mommy! Mommyyyyy!!!Us Magazine reports:.

"The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer, who was visiting friends on Eastern Long Island over the weekend," Rosenberg said in a statement to Usmagazine.com. "Madonna will be having further tests and will continue to remain under observation by doctors."

This makes the second time Madonna has fallen off a horse and walked away (this first was in 2005). What's the deal? Is her spinal cord made out of Bowflex weights? Why won't that shit break? I mean, she looks like she's in The Scorpion King's army already, what is it going to take for this hag to go away? I swear, after they admitted here I bet they brought her a virgin then covered Madonna in soil from her homeland.

Even though she made every day of his life during their marriage a living hell (here) then proceeded to vilify him and attempt to control his every move during their divorce proceedings (here and here), Madonna has reached out to Guy Ritchie with "tearful calls" over her failed adoption attempt. An insider tells The Sun:

"Civil conversations between them have been few and far between in the past year. But over the last week things have improved. Guy had Rocco over for a visit when Em called to see if he was OK, as she always does when she is away from the kids. Rocco was speaking to her and suddenly turned to Guy and said, 'Daddy, Daddy. Mummy is crying'. He then handed Guy the phone." Madge was devastated after being told three-year-old Malawi girl Mercy James can’t join her brood — LOURDES, 12, Rocco, eight, and three-year-old DAVID BANDA, who she adopted from Malawi in 2006. The insider continued: "It's unusual for Em to turn on the waterworks but this has really upset her. Explaining to Rocco why Mercy wasn’t coming home has been difficult. "Guy was incredibly sympathetic, calmed her down and told her to be happy with the family she had."

Fuck this bitch. I don't feel sorry for her. Madonna could adopt a hundred black babies in the United States if she wanted to (and seriously, more people should, and those who do should be commended), but that would mean having to condescend to obey such things as "laws" and "due process". It's easy when you're Madonna to bully some guy in an office whose computer is powered by a goat running on a treadmill, but let's see her try that shit with some old Italian lady behind a desk in NYC. There's a pretty good chance Madonna would be taken out in the street and stoned.

Although Madonna was denied in her attempt to adopt an "orphan" by an Malawian judge, she immediately announced plans to throw a fundraiser for the country in an obvious attempt to influence her appeal. Well, so much for that. Turns out the father of 3-year old Mercy James, James Kambewa, didn't even know his daughter was alive until Madonna made her headline news. Now the father wants to bring the child back home and support her. Thanks, Madonna! People reports:

Now a security guard, Kambewa says he learned the girl's mother, 15-year-old Mwandida Maunde, had died – and assumed their child was dead too. "Now that I know [Mercy] is alive I am willing to support her," Kambewa says. He and Maunde were both high school students when they conceived the child. "Her parents were furious that I had messed up their daughter. They caused hell for me so I left town," says Kambewa.

Man, what a touching story. Let's all hope that little Mercy James is safely reunited with her father and that Dorothy's house lands on Madonna. Oh heavens, how I love happy endings so! Guilty as charged!


Madonna and Stella McCartney in London last night:

Madonna has officially left Malawi empty-handed after a judge denied her adoption of three-year old "orphan", Mercy James. Hey, but not before she had a complete meltdown then planned a fundraiser to bribe her way into a successful appeal. Good times! The Sun says:

The shattered singer — who had been told by government officials that three-year-old Mercy James was "definitely hers" — shrieked in horror after her lawyer broke the devastating news. Then Madge, who had spent nearly two years preparing to adopt the tot as a sister to Malawian son David Banda, sat motionless before “furiously storming off” to her room at the luxury lodge where she had been staying in the African country. One worker there said: "She was unrecognisably angry — she seemed in emotional agony. “We couldn’t tell if she was crying, but her daughter Lourdes ran and put her arms round her. Madonna said to her lawyer, ‘This is the worst day of my life’. "She yelled at him, 'What went wrong? How could this happen? He was staring at the ground."

Two days after her adoption request was denied, Madonna announced a fundraiser whose guest list will include Malawian government officials and possibly the judge who ruled in her case. Gee, I wonder why? TMZ reports:

Government officials and staff members of Raising Malawi charity are on the guest list for the event, along with traditional dancers. No word if the judge who denied Madge will attend. Madonna's lawyer said she will appeal Friday's judgment that she could not adopt a 3-year-old girl because she had not been a resident in Malawi. This massive party looks like the start of her appeal, at least socially.

Look, I kinda admire Madonna for trying to ease the guilt of living like a self-involved, debauched whore for most of her life by adopting some African kid, but to reiterate, it's Madonna. I hate her. I could accidentally run over her with my truck but I'd jump out and give all the bystanders high-fives to make them think I did it on purpose.

Two days after Madonna's lawyer said, "I am not sleeping sleepless nights over this. I don't see any law in Malawi that can stop this adoption", a Malawi judge denied Madonna's application to adopt three-year old Chifundo "Mercy" James this morning. Us Magazine says:

The judge cited requirements that adoptive parents reside in the country for 18 to 24 months. Madonna, 50, can appeal against the order. She adopted David Banda, 3, in 2006 without meeting the residency requirements, which caused outrage by non-governmental groups that felt she was using her celebrity status to bend the law. Judge Esme Chombo had been expected to sign off on the adoption at Lilongwe High Court. "We support her adoption process," Information Minister Patricia Kaliati said yesterday. "Madonna's been good to us. She's supporting over 25,000 orphans in this country, and she's proved she can take care of David."

Uh oh, this isn't going to turn out well. Somebody just told Madonna no. This judge better watch his ass. Because, at this point, there's a 75% chance he's gonna wake up one morning with his house on fire and Madonna standing in the back of a jeep with a megaphone signaling her trained cyborg pumas to attack. "You insolent fools, stop him! He's getting away!"

Embroiled in another controversy over her decision to stealanother baby from Africa, questions are now being asked about the $3.7 million The Gucci Foundation and Madonna’s Kabbalah-backed Raising Malawi took in during their February 2008 fundraiser for the children of Malawi. Here's a hint: It's not in Malawi. FOXNews reports:

Now, fourteen months after the fundraiser, there’s no accounting for the money that came in. At the time, Gucci claimed that they’d underwritten the entire event, that $3.7 million had been raised and that it had been split between Raising Malawi and UNICEF. But since then, the Gucci Foundation has still not filed a Form 990 tax statement, and neither has Raising Malawi. Calls to Gucci haven’t provided any information, and calls and emails to Raising Malawi haven’t been returned. Where the money has gone — and the whole story of Raising Malawi — comes at an inconvenient time for Madonna. She’s currently back in Malawi trying to adopt yet another child, this time a four-year-old girl named Mercy. According to a well-reported story in London’s Daily Mail, the controversial pop star is getting a lot of criticism for trying to take Mercy away from her family. Madonna appeared at a hearing yesterday in Malawi to plead her case.

Just like the last time she "adopted" a baby from Malawi, Madonna is being called a "bully" and “a child kidnapper" by Malawian adoption officials and Mabvuto Bamusi, executive director of Malawi's Human Rights Consultative Committee. (She took David Blanda by using her money and influence to manipulate and ignore the country's standard two-year waiting period, and adopted David even though his biological father was alive and wanted him.) I realize Madonna thinks she's God and that these uncivilized savages should be thankful for her generosity, but if I was a parent living in Malawi and I saw a wrinkled up whore get out of a private jet, I'd probably mark my front door with the blood of a spring lamb just in case.

Madonna and Lourdes in Malawi: